Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
