Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
