I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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