I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
