his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
