I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize