im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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