Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
