hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
