she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
