I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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