My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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