Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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