apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
