"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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