tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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