My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize