apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
