And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
