Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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