My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
