hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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