i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
