thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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