There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
