I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
