come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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