i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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