should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
