I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
