So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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