I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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