On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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