between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
