she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
