i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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