Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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