I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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