My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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