Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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