Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
