I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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