I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
