they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
