The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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