I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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