Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
