My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
