we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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