I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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