Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
