You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
