There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
