I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
