Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
