just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
