I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize