I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
