Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
