phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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