yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
