Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think my vagina is haunted
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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