Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
