I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
