I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
