if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
