i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
we're so committed to being not committed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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